Sarah gets all girly and needs help
I like sleeping alone. I like doing my thing. The “I don’t date” thing works really well for getting out of awkward boy situations. I have no interest in 99 percent of the boys who approach me. So it becomes my sort of get out of jail free card. I have a few boys that I am really close with and have been for years. They are all dateable. They would be my boyfriend in a hot second, if i just asked. I enjoy knowing that, sort of flirting with them, and hanging out with them when i feel so inclined. I sort of keep them around waiting for the day i grow out of this, the day I am ready to sleep in a bed next to someone every night. The day my ADD becomes under control and I am at least 90 percent sure I won’t cheat on them. The day has not yet come. Lately, I worry it won’t ever come.
A few months ago, I ended up in a cab with a boy I didn’t really know. I tried to introduce myself. He sort of hostilly nodded, “I know who you are. I am a friend of __________.” I tried to smile, because I knew what was coming. He said, “That boy loves you.” He laughed, “I have never seen that dude like this.” He added, “He said trying to get you to settle down would be harder than getting him to.” I didn’t know what to say. He looked at me before slamming the cab door and said, “He is my boy. Don’t break his heart.”
Like me, he never dates period. We joke about getting married someday, when we both “grow up.” In my list of boys that i could potentially date, he is first in line. When my friends try to intervene in this whole single girl forever thing, they always say just try it with ____________.
Then this week, that boy wrote me these dumb elusive vague texts about dating some Vietnamese pharmacist. This was a) some how supposed to impress me b) a passive aggressive way of saying I am taking myself out of the running to be Sarah Morrison’s next Top boyfriend or whatever. I responded to said text, “So last night i fucked an Ethiopian barber.” I was irritated by how ridiculous he sounded, how I was supposed to be impressed by this level of a catch. He sounded stupid and I informed him of this, even though i knew exactly what he was trying to do.
I sent him a list of medications I would like for free from the pharmacist. Then told him I was breaking up with him anyways. He laughed me off but said, “I love you Sarah, but I really care about this girl.”
I am mad at myself, not him. Like maybe if i grew the fuck up and could act my age, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I fucked this up. I did it to myself. I just had him on speed dial for the day I am ready. Thinking he would just wait for ever….
I don’t know anymore what makes me more scared the idea of having him and the chance of me fucking it up or the idea of losing him and never getting the chance to see if I might not fuck it up.
Can you guys please try to “life coach” me on this one?
(HATING ME WAS SO TWO YEARS AGO. SO IF YOU ARE ON THAT TEAM JUST FIND A MORE RELEVANT PERSON TO HATE OR HATE ME ON OF THOSE BLOGS DEVOTED TO THAT. PLZ THX)
plz help. Im sad.
